


Alice in Wonderland - The stupidest interpretation ever

by Lordofalldarkness



Category: Alice Cooper (Musician) RPF, Alice in Wonderland - Fandom, KISS (US Band), Marilyn Manson - Fandom
Genre: 70's, 80's, 90'S, Adventure, Alice Cooper - Freeform, Alice in Wonderland, Alternate Universe, Bands, Classic Rock, Drama, Fantasy, Glam Rock, Horror, Kinda slash, Maaany other musicians, Madness, Marilyn Manson - Freeform, More characters included than listed (because of spoilers and stuff), Multi, Oldschool, Parody, Wonderland, hippie, hot guys from the previous millennium, it will get kinda dark now and then, kiss, pink floyd - Freeform, very trippy setting
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-26
Updated: 2020-04-04
Packaged: 2021-02-28 00:48:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 14,025
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22915021
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lordofalldarkness/pseuds/Lordofalldarkness
Summary: It's the year 2000. Everything seems to be normal when Alice Cooper and his band members sit in the tourbus after a concert – until Mick Jagger suddenly appears in a bunny costume and tells him about the mysterious 'wonderland' in which he finds himself only a moment after in a just as mysterious way. But soon enough, Alice realizes that – apart from the many familiar faces he comes across in very strange circumstances – there are even more peculiar things going on there. Is wonderland in danger? And what does the infamous Queen of Hearts have to do with everything? In this incredibly tragic story you'll find the answer. Maybe.
Relationships: There will be a little shipping-stuff kinda but I want to avoid spoilers. ;)
Comments: 3
Kudos: 2





	1. Prologue - The chosen one

**Prologue – The chosen one**

It was a warm and exhausting summer's day – or rather a summer's night. More precisely, it was shortly after midnight, when Alice and his band members sat, deep in conversation, in the nightliner, still exhilarated by the great concert they just had had. As of yet, the Brutal Planet-Tour went on as easily as he had hoped for and the crowd had been absolutely awesome. Still he was glad to have some rest, after all, touring wasn't only a funny but also an exhausting thing to undertake.

For a moment he closed his eyes while Ryan was, apparently mesmerized, talking about some giant guy looking like a shelf he had seen somewhere in the crowd during their gig. He heard one of the others getting up and then recognized him as Eric when he opened his eyes again. Few seconds later, Eric returned with an iced bottle of water and sat down back at his seat.

„Really, he was gigantic! You sure you haven't seen him? He looked like a football player, just twice as big... And I swear it was him growling along most brutally! Apart from the screaming girls, of course.“

„I think, I've seen him, too. But I'm pretty sure he wasn't as huge.“

„Seriously? He towered above everyone else by about two feet! I wouldn't want to mess with that guy...“

„Are you really such a pussy, Ryan? Afraid of a fan, just 'cause he's bigger than you?“

„That's not what I said.“

Amused by the conversation of the others, Alice glanced outside the window. The guy he saw strolling around in the darkness beat the 'gigantic fan' most probably by far as for being conspicious. There was actually a freak in a rabbit costume walking next to the bus as it came to a stop. And if that weren't enough – he was also staring directly at him from out there, looking really mad like some kind of fluffy-packaged stalker.

 _Wait_ , he instantly thought. _I know that face...?_

„What's wrong? You look so shocked!“

„Mick Jagger...“

„What...?“

„That's Mick Jagger...!“

Simultaneously, everyone leaned over to the window to see what he had seen. But the peculiar freak who somehow looked exactly like the Rolling Stones' singer wasn't there anymore. 

He was _inside_ the bus. Just stepped in.

Why was it even possible for anyone to get in here? Was it perhaps some dubious joke by the driver? If so, he had chosen a quite inconvenient moment for that. He was definitely too tired for quirky shock rock surprises and the sight rather made him feel like he had some strange trip.

„Well, I've no clue what you've seen there but could it be that you've overstrained yourself earlier? Hallucinations shouldn't be taken lightly,“ Ryan said, interrupting his thoughts with a wry grin. „Mick Jagger, good joke!“

„Turn around...! He's inside of here! The guy in the rabbit costume, that's him!“

„Rabbit costume? Are you sure you're alright?“

Before he could respond in any way he already saw the white-furred figure coming towards him. Mick Jagger. Without a doubt it was him positioning himself in front of him as conspiciously as possible, putting one paw on his hip and smiling at him. 

„Good evening, Alice,“ he said, oddly polite. Confused, Alice looked around, trying to find a hidden camera or something, but turned to his counterpart again when he couldn't make out anything like that. 

„... Hi?“ he said, more of a question than anything else. What was really making him suspicious was the fact that his band members didn't survey the rabbitman with perplexed faces but _him._

„Who are you talking to?“ he heard Pete ask while he himself couldn't stop staring at the dressed up Mick Jagger. His presence was just impossible to ignore.

„Who I'm talking to? Don't you see it?“

„Actually... no.“

„No, Alice, they can't see me. Only you can,“ Mister Rabbit explained casually. Of course. Kinda obvious.

„Okay, what is this? A costumed surprise party in our tour bus with theatrical features? Sounds cool but unfortunately, I can't join in. I don't have a costume. Only some provocative stage outfits...“

„Are you still seeing costumed singers jumping around in here?“

„Yeah, but-“

„Just a second, Alice. We'll soon have it.“

The next moment the rabbit suddenly held a pocket watch in his hand on which he apparently pressed some button. Immediately, there was silence. All of a sudden everything stood still and the others' faces looked as if they were frozen. 

„Problem solved,“ he commented shortly. At this point, Alice was less sure than ever what to make of this situation. Either his whole crew had – for whatever reason – precisely rehearsed this story and now played their role surprisingly convincingly... or he had become utterly mad. 

A white rabbit with a magical pocket watch? Just what did this scenario remind him of...?

„All right, then... You've stopped time,“ he said, notingly, and laughed slightly. If this had been a movie he'd surely watched it with joy. Being stuck in the middle himself was something different, though. 

„May I take a look at the watch?“ he asked eventually. There was no harm in trying to just play along.

„The... the watch?“ Mick Jagger replied. „No, no. It's only for rabbits.“

„... I see. Yeah, I... should have guessed for myself.“

Suddenly making a stern face, the other looked at him. It was a little difficult, though, to take him seriously in that outfit. 

„Alice,“ he said quietly. „We don't have much time. You must come with me.“

„Not much time? Come with you? And why?“

„Because,“ the rabbit began, „you are the chosen one.“

A moment of silence passed. Then he nearly snorted with laughter. Slowly, this whole thing began to amuse him – even though the still frozen faces of his band members kinda came across as creepy to him. 

„The chosen one,“ he repeated slowly. „So. And now I shall follow you into the magical rabbit world you're from, using my phenomenal super powers to save you all from evil, am I right?“

„Exactly,“ Mick Jagger answered. „Just that it's not a magical rabbit world. It's wonderland.“

Yes, of course. _That's_ why it seemed so familiar to him. Why didn't he realize earlier?

„I understand. I'm Alice and you're the White Rabbit... and now you expect me to follow you into wonderland where all sorts of abnormal things are going to happen!“

„Wow... I'm impressed. Obviously, you're clairvoyant. It just approves that you're truly the chosen one!“

Those improvisation skills were significant. The rabbit had an answer to everything.

„Well then,“ he said. „Then show me your wonderland! I think it won't be a problem for you to lead me there.“

„It isn't! You can get there from anywhere. Even from this bus. It's very simple!“

With these words the 'White Rabbit' had plodded to the furthest corner of the bus, eyeing the floor as if something incredibly interesting were going on there. Alice still stared in his direction for a while, sighed and then eventually followed him – it didn't look like he had any other choice. 

The spot the rabbit fixed his eyes on was different from the rest of the floor. A rectangular shape was showing there; it looked like some secret flap which could be opened.

„What's that? I'm sure it wasn't here before...!“

„This, dear chosen one, is the door to wonderland through which we're going to stride now,“ explained the rabbit. „Would you please open it for me? It's a bit hard when you have paws instead of hands.“

„You can stop time but you can't open the door to your home? Alright...“

Hesitantly, he bent over and easily lifted the loose part of the floor. What came to light was equally fascinating and alarming. He'd expected everything – Keith Richards who somehow managed to hide in there just to greet him with some confetti and a toy trumpet, maybe. But not a multi-coloured LSD-spiral of which dazzling colours ran into one another whirlingly and seemed as if they'd soak up the whole room every moment. That was way too fucked up, even for him.

„Okay... Slowly but surely I get the feeling someone mixed something in my food. Some really heavy stuff.“

„Have you never seen a wonder portal?“

„If I remember correctly... No, it's the first time!“

The rabbit gave him a blank look and then made a step towards the fairly dangerous looking colours. 

„Follow me!“ was the last thing he said before he disappeared into the bright vortex. Just like that. He suddenly wasn't here anymore.

Stunned, he looked to the spot where Mick Jagger had only just stood, then leaned a bit forward and peered into the depths of the portal he had gone through. There wasn't anything visible but colours. Shiny, protruding, moving colours. Whoever it was who mixed such bad stuff in his dinner – he'd really get it.

„What happened? Where's Alice?“ he silently heard his guitarist's voice.

„I don't know. He was here just this moment...“

They had regained consciousness. The effect of the strange watch must had diminished now that the freak carrying it had buzzed off. 

Alice heard the others talk. Probably they'd come over here, surprised what he was doing on the floor. He wondered if they could even see this... portal? Or was it just another absurd hallucination? Possibly, this was all nothing but imagination. He could find out easily – all he had to do was 'striding through the door' and then he'd see if he would end up in another world like the rabbit had foreseen it. 

Uncertain what he should do he looked over the shoulder to the seats. They hadn't recognized him yet.

 _Whatever_ , he thought eventually. No risk, no fun.

Slowly, he turned around, grabbed one edge of the floor and climbed down backwards into the whole which, as soon as he'd entered, developed a life of it's own. Like a real vortex the colours soaked him in. He couldn't feel any resistance beneath himself and before he could change his mind the portal had already devoured him.


	2. Chapter 1 - Who the fuck is Alice?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alice who now made his way into wonderland tries to find the White Rabbit...

**Chapter 1 - Who the fuck is Alice?**

The first thing he recognized when he opened his eyes was that he wasn't outside but in a room. Quite a big room, and almost empty.

The second thing he realized was that this room didn't belong to the nightliner. 

„Can't be... Don't tell me that flap really brought me to another world?“ he said quietly to himself and stood up from the floor which was strangely soft although there weren't any cushions or something like that. But now that he thought about it he didn't actually _fall_. More likely he had been floating down here.

„It doesn't really look very wondrous in this place...“

Alice briefly looked around before he decided to look for some indication of where he was. Something that made clear what kind of place this was and how he could, if necessary, find his way out. It didn't take long until he came across something really puzzling, and for that he just had to walk around the corner:

A giant wall-filling mirror. It was like a boundary between this and the next room. At least he assumed that, for there was a door in the middle of it, as well made of glass. What was really peculiar about it was his own reflection which induced him to look down on himself to check if it showed the truth.

„Interesting... I think I've got a dejavú.“

For some reason he looked exactly like he had done eleven years ago in his musicvideo to 'Poison'.

_Whatever_ , he thought. It was way more important to find out more about what was even going on and what he was doing here. For that it surely would be helpful to find Mick Jagger – no, the White Rabbit. It couldn't be far. 

Determined, he went a few steps towards the impressive mirrored wall until he stood directly in front of it and then pressed down the door-handle. He quickly noticed it was locked. Great, no problem. That likely indicated that somewhere in this room a key was hidden. It could only be another riddle, probably not too hard to solve. 

For there were no pieces of furniture in this room there weren't many possibilities left for a hiding place. And actually, just a few seconds later he noticed something at the wall he had overlooked before. There were two levers built-in under which was something written in small letters.

„Activate me!“ stood under one of them, „Don't activate me!“ under the other.

„That must be a joke,“ he mumbled and thought for a moment. „Pushing the lever which says I should activate it would be way too simple. Must be the other one.“

Without further ado he pushed the lever with the words „Don't activate me!“, after all he had nothing to lose.

Apparently he was wrong.

Immediately, the floor and walls started to shake terribly. One look upwards explained everything:

The ceiling. It was coming closer. And, as to be expected, there were spikes coming out of it, of course. The whole works.

When he realized it didn't have any effect moving the lever back into the other direction or moving the other one he had to admit he got himself into difficulties.

At first too busy cursing the person (or rabbit or whatever) who had created this senseless mechanism, he hurried to find something that could undo the last command of that silly trap the next moment. Just in time he found a third lever in the opposite wall – so small and discreet it was hard to see – and underneath the inscription „Please activate in case of necessity!“ which he did without hesitating. The ceiling really had stopped and went slowly back to its original position.

„That was... damned close,“ he sighed. He'd almost ended up like an unsuspecting teenie in a splatter-movie. What a laugh. They'd need more than such a cliché action-scene to get rid of Alice. 

After he had pushed the lever with the request „Activate me!“ as well – by now it seemed to work again – even the door unlocked and he wasn't sure if he should be relieved or annoyed because he could've done it that way from the start. Anyway, he pushed the door open and, full of expectations, stepped outside where a both bizarre and marvellous sight presented itself to him.

Meadows full of colorful-patterned plants and very unconventional animals romping around stretched away into infinity. Far away at the horizon there was a reddish sun, really too high to have such a shade already. The sky looked quite abnormal, too. Apart from the partly imaginatively shaped clouds, it wasn't limited to only one colour like the sky usually was. It was more like it blended every single existing colour and it reminded him a lot of the bright vortex that soaked him up into the portal. Fortunately, the sky was a little paler.

Wherever he looked – everything seemed easy-going and peaceful.

He didn't know what it was but something bothered him. Maybe the whole landscape was _too_ peaceful in some way.

In the distance he heard voices singing a song. And when he listened closer he even recognized what they were singing:

„If you're goooiiing to wonderlaaaand... Be sure to weeeaaar some flowers in your haaaiiir!“

So it was true. He really was in wonderland. However he had managed to get here... but he was. That meant the rabbit hadn't been fooling him and there were things in the world he hadn't thought possible. Great. 

Alice turned around to look for the source of the voices he had heard. Maybe there was someone who could tell him where to find the White Rabbit. Instead, he suddenly became aware of something else. Something kinda frightening. 

The door which had lead him here... It was gone.

Nothing. Not a bit of a door anymore. 

Was that supposed to mean he was stuck here?

„If you're goooiiing to wonderlaaaand... You're gonna meeeeeet some gentle freakos theeereee,“ the voices still sang. Quietly, but there was no mistaking.

Again and again they warbled the same two lines and everytime it sounded even more euphoric and lively than before. They didn't seem to get tired of it.

But where did the singing come from? He couldn't see a person, let alone several persons, anywhere. And it was definitely a bigger group he was hearing.

„Hello? Anyone here?“ he shouted and didn't really expect an answer.

„Do you have bad eyes, my friend? We're directly in front of you!“ whispered a hoarse voice he still couldn't locate.

„What...? In front of me?“

„Down here! Look!“

Indeed, the voices didn't come from afar like he had assumed – but from the grass, straight before him.

The flowers.

„Wow,“ he mumbled while he knelt down so they could talk better. „Singing flowers... And I thought the seventies were over.“

„What's wrong with singing flowers?“ one of them asked.

„Nothing's wrong with us. I bet he's just tired from some long journey and a little confused,“ another one answered. „Hey, buddy! How about one of us serving you as a wonderful decoration for your gorgeous hair?“

„Wonderful decoration for my... what?!“

For a moment speechless he contemplated the numerous flowers who returned his gaze expectantly. Each of them had a tiny face. Some even had a beard.

„Could anyone explain to me what's happening here? Why can you speak? Why did the door I came through suddenly disappear? And what the hell am I even doing here?“

The flowers exchanged some helpless looks.

„You wanna say you aren't from here at all?“ a bearded specimen asked with a grating voice. „That's impossible... How did you get here then?“

„I wish I knew,“ Alice answered and thought back to the stuff that happened in the tourbus. It felt like it's been ages since he had been there with his band-members. „Mick Jagger, I mean... The White Rabbit came to me and told me something like 'You are the chosen one!'. And then I followed him through a strange, shiny portal, pushed some absolutely stupid levers... and already I was here.“

Silence.

„The chosen one?“ croaked one of the flowers after a while. „What's your name, my friend?“

„Alice,“ he answered truthfully.

„Alice? Never heard of you.“

„Strange name for a dude.“

„ _The_ Alice,“ he said emphatically slow.

„ _The_ Alice? I don't get it.“

„Me neither, bro...“

One last hope:

„'School's out for summer, school's out forever'... Ever heard of that?“

Sceptically, the flowers looked at him before they turned to each other, gossiping.

„I think that dude has a screw loose,“ he heard one of them whisper.

„Impossible. You sing an alternate version of 'San Francisco' but you don't know 'School's out'. Philistines.“

„Saffron Cisco?“

„Never heard of him, bro.“

„I give up...“

Resigned, he stood up and was about to go – talking to those clueless plants was just a waste of time.

„Where do you go?“ asked one flower without a beard. He tried imagining it being busy with an eletric mini-razor, accidentally cutting up its petals. 

„I have to find the White Rabbit,“ he explained. „There are a few things I'd like to ask him.“

„Then it's the wrong direction you're going, my friend. The White Rabbit lives over there. You just have to go straight ahead, it's impossible to miss.“

„Really? Thanks for the information!“

With new motivation he went in the direction the White Rabbit apparently lived – hopefully in a house and not in a burrow. He didn't feel like that sort of complications.

No sooner than he had started off he already heard the cheerful singing behind him. The same two lines, over and over again, until he was too far from them to hear it anymore. 

„Hippie-flowers,“ he murmured. That gave the word 'flower power' a whole new meaning.

He must've walked for a few minutes – it was hard to guess because at every turn some psychedelic plant or bizarre animal caught his attention – when he spotted a little hut with a pointed roof and an exceptionally big chimney. And a little offside the front door in the also very manageable garden he found two people. One human – the other one seemed to be the White Rabbit.

_Strange_ , he thought. _Didn't he look different last time?_

From close up the two who seemed to have a chat were easier to recognize. One was without a doubt the same rabbit that had visited him in the bus and had brought him here. The only difference was that it wasn't only a costume anymore he was wearing. It looked more like the long ears and the scut grew out of his body. 

The other was a blond beau in white knight's armour. And on closer examination it was...

„Jon Bon Jovi...!“

Immediately, the two interrupted their conversation and turned to him with a confused look in their eyes.

„Who's there?“ the knight who definitely was Jon Bon Jovi asked. He looked like he came straight out of the nineties, both his hair and his face.

„We're in the middle of an important conversation!“ added Mick Jagger who also looked a lot younger than before when they had met for the last time. Alice didn't hesitate long to join them and view the knight in his shiny armour more closely with the words „Doesn't suit you, you should look for something more casual“ before he turned towards the White Rabbit who thoughtfully stared at him as if he was thinking about where they had met before.

„Uhm... hi,“ Alice said uncertainly. „I was looking for you. You said I shall follow you and safe wonderland from some evil scoundrels 'cause I'm the chosen one... or something. And then you disappeared. Are those real ears...?“

„Angie, is that you?“

„... What?“

„Angie!! I've finally found you!“

Unabled to cope with the situation, he eyed the rabbit when it came rushing up to him happily and took him in its arms. Obviously, that guy had completely lost his mind.

„Hello...? What's that going to be?“

Mick Jagger didn't even seem to notice his question in his euphoria.

„Strange...“ he said without letting him go. „Am I imagining this or have you become flatter, Angie?“

„I'm not Angie! Would you be so kind and remove from me?“

Surprised his counterpart let him be and went two steps back.

„You're not Angie?“

„I'm sorry to disappoint you but... no.“

„Now that you mention it... I remember her voice to be a little sweeter,“ the rabbit muttered absent-mindedly. „But if you aren't Angie... _Who are you?_ “

„I'd be interested in knowing that, too!“ interfered Bon Jovi.

„Do you all have amnesia? It's me, Alice! You...“ he said and pointed at Mick Jagger, „... have said yourself that I have to come here! I get the feeling this is just a big nuthouse...“

Confused, the two freaks glanced at each other. Then bunny tried to say something to his defence.

„I can't remember to have met you before. Besides, it's no wonder I've mistaken you for Angie. You both start with an 'I'.“

„At least they don't start with an 'O',“ added Bon Jovi. „Or even worse, with an 'M'...! Too many 'M's will only bring disaster... Be glad you're not one of those 'M's, unworthy fool!“

„... What did you just call me? Okay, take a deep breath... I'll count till three and then everything will return to normal. One, two, three!“ Alice said quietly to himself and looked expectantly in the other's faces. „And now please tell me this is all some kind of show and you're going to take me away from here... Otherwise, I can't guarantee anything!“

Bon Jovi brought out a cloth and started, for some obscure reason, wiping his perfectly clean armour with it.

„You're doomed, my dear man,“ he said dryly.

Alice sighed exasperatedly.

„Oh yeah? If you like,“ he grumbled. „All I want is an explanation! First: What's this hard stuff? Secondly: Who gave it to me? Thirdly: What's this all supposed to mean?? Isn't there any meaning in this or do I just have to search for it? I warn you – don't fall out with me! If this is supposed to be a joke... I swear the cards are stacked against-“

„Cards?! Are you insane? Don't say that so loudly or do you want to enrage the Queen of Hearts?“ Bon Jovi shouted outragedly.

„The Queen of Hearts? Oooh, of course...! CARDS!! Does the Queen of Hearts have a problem with CARDS? Maybe she can't stand them because the queen of hearts in every deck is much prettier than herself?“ he asked overly loud. „If I remember correctly, the Queen of Hearts is a quite fat, old hag!“

Bunny had settled on the grass in the meantime and dreamily picked some blades of grass while Bon Jovi, incensedly, waved his arms about and looked kind of funny while doing so. 

„You don't have a clue what you're saying! Speaking of the honourable queen like that... How can you even dare to throw that word around so often?!“ he shouted indignantly.

„Which word? 'Cards' or 'Queen of Hearts'?“

„Argh!! You're driving me mad! You, how about you say something, too...?“ he desperately asked bunny who just took a bite of his grass with relish.

„Me?“ Bunny sluggishly looked up to Knighty and then to him. „... Yeah, right. You definitely should think more closely about which mushrooms you hang around with.“

„What??“ both of them replied simultaneously.

„You asked me to say something...“

„Did you even listen to what we were talking about? Argh...! I'm surrounded by louts and lunatics!!“

Now a little amused Alice grinned at the outraged knight. Maybe this was a crazy world without any sense – but at least it wasn't boring.

„Tell me... _Are_ you even Jon Bon Jovi? Or do you just look like him?“ he asked although it seemed quite absurd to him being in a land full of younger clones of famous singers.

„Jon-Bon-what...? You already mentioned that name a moment ago and I really have no clue what you mean,“ Knighty answered grumpily. „I don't know anyone who's called like that and it surely doesn't have to do anything with me. I am the White Knight! Don't forget that!“

„Then I assume that guy over there isn't Mick Jagger either?“

„Mick Ja- Didn't I tell you to avoid that letter?“

„Which letter? Oh, the 'M'? Okay, if it scares you so much,“ Alice replied annoyedly. „Alright... Weren't you two actually deep in conversation?“

„Indeed,“ the Bon Jovi-copy said. „We talked about which colour is the best – black or white. Of course we agreed it is white. What is black? Ridiculous.“

„Strictly speaking, both aren't colours.“

„No colours? Oho, my goodness, where did you pick up that nonsense?“

„It's not nonsense,“ Alice explained patiently. „Black and white are the absence of all colours. They're called 'non-colours'. You should know that, honourable White Knight.“

All of a sudden Knighty's world seemed to cave in when he realized what he just had said. 

„Non-colours...? That means... My existence is totally unauthorized! I am _nothing_!“

„Who's the unworthy fool now?“ Alice grinned gloatingly.

„That can't be... A nothing... A nobody!“

With a woozy look, bunny eyed his devastated friend.

„What's wrong?“ he asked after he'd took another bite of his little grass-snack.

„My life doesn't make sense anymore! Impossible... Black and white aren't real colours!!“

„Colours...? Black?“ bunny mumbled, let his blades of grass fall as if stung by an adder and leapt to his feet overhastily. „I don't have the time to sit around...! The palace gate! I have to paint it! The Queen of Hearts will kill me if I don't hurry!!“

_Interesting_ , Alice thought, _what you can cause in a few seconds if you bring up a simple fact._

With the words „I have to search for the truth... now!“ Knighty left the property while Bunny frantically rushed into his house, not even having enough time to close his door. Leisurely, Alice proceeded to the cute little hut and followed him inside just to find him on the floor, rummaging completely obsessed in a box.

„Brush... Where's my brush?!“

„Uh... Excuse me?“ Alice tried to attract some attention and eyed all the things Bunny threw to the ground with fascination. A withered flower bouquet, a mini-version of the Big Ben, a still wrapped gingerbread heart with the inscription „For my favourite bunny“ – everything was there.

„Do you happen to know what I'm supposed to do now?“

„Not now, Abby... I'm busy,“ he said hastily and suddenly turned sentimental when he held a thin stack of blank paper in his hands he had just pulled out of the box. „Ooh, unbelievable... There they were! The wonderful letters Angie had sent me back then...!“

„... Looks like she didn't have much to say,“ Alice said which only caused Bunny to shoot darts at him.

„What do you know? And anyway... What are you even doing in my house? You're not only a freaky fella but also an intrusive intruder!“

„Really? Maybe you should consider closing your front door if you want to avoid uninvited guests.“

„My front door... My front door... That reminds me- I don't have the time to fight with you! I have to paint the gate! If I only knew where I've put my damn brush!“ Bunny cursed, again rummaging through the box. „And you... you better clear off if you don't want me to set my house on fire!“

„If it's so fun for you to burn all your stuff... I wanted to go anyway,“ he answered emphatically unimpressed, turned around and went gardenwards. „I don't even think you can help me in any way...“

Without wasting another thought about the White Rabbit or any other sociopathic resident of this place he set out to search for something that could really help him in any way. Something... or maybe someone who could lead him out of this crazy land.

But was there even anyone who wasn't crazy himself?

Whatever. If there was a way to get here, there had to be a way back. 

Somewhere...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay, so here's chapter 1! Some guys here won't be very in character compared to the original ones—don't take it too seriously, this is all some kind of AU. :D


	3. Chapter 2 - Animals

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alice meets the Cheshire Cat who sets him a task that's not quite easy—he has to find three certain persons. On his search he gets to meet the mad tea party.

Chapter 2 - Animals 

The way back proved to be sheer confusion when he remembered how it had looked on the way there. Nothing was where it had been before.

Didn't he just go straight ahead on his way to the White Rabbit? He couldn't really have lost his way, could he...?

Alice looked around. There was nothing but trees growing closely together in the darkness. Damn, he wasn't even sure how he had gotten here! 

"If I should ever experience something rational here... I'm gonna choke someone for joy," he quietly said to himself. "Stupid land..."

"Ohohohoho... Looks like someone is feeling aggressive?"

"What...? Who said that?"

Yet again confused he tried to make out where that mad giggling voice had come from but he couldn't see anyone. Hopefully it wasn't one of those bearded flowers again...

"Here I am! On the tree!" the voice called, apparently cheerful, and he couldn't help but laugh when he recognized the person sitting up there on a sturdy branch as if it were the most natural thing in the world. The sight was just too absurd.

About shoulder-length black hair – quite similar to his own –, a skintight glitter-overall, black and white make up... Oh, and not to forget the soft tail and the dark cat's ears which grew out of his head and looked strangely natural in combination with the rest.

"Of course. Why didn't I think of this myself..."

"Pardon? What didn't you think of?" asked the far too familiar figure on the tree, grinning.

"Oh... nothing," Alice answered. "I only thought I'd seen your face somewhere before. But I'm probably... mistaken."

The conspicious grin of his counterpart immediately turned wider. 

"You must be, my friend. We're meeting for the first time," kitty said cheerfully. "Allow me to introduce myself: I am the Cheshire Cat. Also known as 'The Catman'."

 _Don't let it show_ , he thought. _They all take me for a freak anyway. But how the hell can it be there's a halloween-compliant retro-rocker at every corner...?!_

For a moment Alice contemplated the cheshire cat, more or less fascinated, then cast an eye in the direction he had come from – or rather: he assumed to have come from. He was everything but sure regarding this confusing area.

"Hmm... Pardon my rudeness, dear Catman, but may I ask where I have to go to get away from here? I've accidentally stranded in your funny, little freakshow and I'd prefer to get back into my own world. Unfortunately, I couldn't find an exit as yet..."

"Oh... Well, it depends on what appeals to you most," The Catman explained calmly. "You could go this way or that way – but why don't you just stay?"

"Maybe I didn't express myself clearly enough: I'm not from here. And for me this is all a little too... messed up. Don't get it wrong, I like crazy stuff. But I don't like to feel as if I was stuck on another planet where everyone's playing a Truman-show with me."

"You misunderstand this, my friend. It's not really crazy or messed up here," kitty said, smiling strangely. "This world is just perfection! If you've settled in here it's just like paradise. A grand creation... From up here I can see everything. You can trust me!"

"... Why does it seem so familiar to me what you just said?"

Ignoring his remark the Cheshire Cat tilted its head in various directions and startet explaining what he'd find in each place – or what he wouldn't find.

"If you take the path on the right you'll get to the Mad Hatter and the March Hare. You'll have to decide for yourself if you feel comfortable around them or not. At least there's always something going on and you can be assured they take good care for their guests. Hihihi..."

"Awesome. Sounds very trustworthy. And what else?", Alice asked, a little worried about kitty's suspicious laugh.

"If you go left you won't have any luck. There's nothing but a building site. And apart from that..." kitty whispered mysteriously, and from one moment to another there was a giant, preciously looking door full of black and red scrolls in the middle of the tree he was sitting on. "... Apart from that there's the way straight ahead through this door. However, you need a key for it. The access isn't allowed for everyone. Only the servants of the Queen of Hearts, persons the queen wishes to see on site and, of course, the Queen of Hearts herself are allowed to go through. Oh! And of course the chosen one."

"That's very convenient! Allegedly, I _am_ the chosen one. So I think you should let me inside that door, shouldn't you?"

"Wait a minute. So, you say you're the chosen one? Then you have to prove yourself first," the freak-puss said pompously. Yeah. Would've been too easy just marching through that stupid door without any complications.

"Prove myself," Alice sighed, expectantly looking up to the other. "What do I have to do? Pass an honourable test? Defeat slimy monsters? Dance?"

"Hihi... All you have to do is finding three persons. Nothing more."

"Three persons...?"

"Correct. Three persons. Not exactly a difficult task, is it? It will be easy for you to recognize them. They're of the same ilk as my humble self."

 _I understand_ , he thought. Three persons of the same ilk as kitty. That could only mean one thing.

Alice made a few steps in the direction of the Mad Hatter and the March Hare.

"If I get you right this is the only path I can take at this moment, isn't it?"

Kitty inclined his head.

"Maybe... or maybe not? Who knows? Try and find out!"

Hesitantly, he cast a glance in the direction he intended to go in, then he looked back to the Cheshire Cat once more who's constant grin slowly but surely began to annoy him.

"You said on the left was a dead end and the door straight ahead would be locked as long as I don't have the key... and I'd need to find your three conspecifics first!" he said, thought for an instant and then finally decided to simply follow the only possible path. "If I can't go anywhere else the two have to be somewhere in this direction...!"

"Alice! Wait!"

Surprised, he turned around yet again before he reluctantly went back to the spot where he had stood up until now.

"How do you know my name? I'm sure I didn't mention it... Or is it because the name of he chosen one is commonly known here?"

"What chosen one?" kitty asked, grinning uncomprehendingly.

"What- Is this a joke? What do you even want from me?"

"I wanted to..." he said and pulled out a neon-green card, "... give you this. You will need it."

"A playing card?"

When he received it and looket at it from close upt he saw that on the neon-green ground it showed an ornate big black letter . A 'K'.

"You should pocket and take good care of it. If you lose the card you'll be doomed. No, not only you – everyone of us!"

With those enigmatic words the Cheshire Cat vanished into thin air, just the way he had appeared.  
Not only he would be doomed... but everyone? Whatever this was meant to be – standing in front of this tree any longer surely wouldn't be of any use.

Without further ado, he put the card into one of his pockets and went along the path which would hopefully lead him a little closer to an answer.

At least for a minute, Alice motionlessly stared at the garish house at the end of the road. He didn't exactly expect a conventional building – the hut of the White Rabbit had also looked more like something you would find in a fairy tale after all – but _this_ was sailing close to the wind of absolute insanity. 

Despite the frosting-like 'Welcome'-lettering, the askew-built thing which reminded of a topsy turvy looked more deterrent than inviting. Not least because of the strident flute music which most probably came out of the strange building and could only be played by a total maniac. Only a suicidal, stoned child would have voluntarily walked in there. But it didn't look like he had any other choice than doing just that, even if he already knew by now he probably couldn't take any more wonderlandish madness.

Indeed, the chaotic melodie became louder the closer he got to the doorway, and as soon as he stepped inside he ultimately believed to be stuck in a bizarre B-movie of the seventies.

At a well-laid table standing in the middle of the room, longer and more cumbersome than any table he had seen before, sat a conspiciously clothed, brunette guy with a top hat – obviously the Mad Hatter – all alone, hunched over an empty plate, and took a sip of his cup that was probably filled with tea over and over while another brunette guy who's hair was significantly wilder jumped through the room, clothed in a medievalish coat and armed with a cross flute. Only at second sight Alice noticed the long brown ears on his head which didn't stand out very much between all the same-coloured hair.

And finally he even spotted a third person in a corner further at the end of the room, apparently sleeping (despite all the noise) in an odd gadget that maybe was supposed to be a dog basket in a kettle-style. Yet, said person lay in a position that only allowed him to see their back so that he couldn't recognize anything. Only that it was also a man and that he had half long, dark hair with – of course – little gray ears growing out of each side. Apparently it was some kind of trend here to run around with cute animal ears. He would have bet this was part of some whacky roleplay.

Alice cleared his throat whereupon only the Mad Hatter raised his head and paid attention to him. He tried behaving as discreet as possible when he saw his face.

Steven Tyler, he thought to himself, keen to look at him in a way that seemed as if he was facing a stranger.

"Who have we got here?" the hatter lilted after he had put his teacup down and gotten up from his seat. "Maybe a guest?"

With an interested look in his eyes he made a few steps towards him while, at the same moment, the March Hare jumped on the table and danced over the tidyly lined up dishes like a possessed Indian chief. The guy in the dog basket rolled grumblingly on his other side – seemingly he wasn't as fast asleep as he had assumed – so that he could identify him now as well.

"Iggy Pop," Alice mumbled declaratively.

"Excuse me? I didn't understand you, a certain flute is making quite a lot noise...!" the hatter said, casting a sharp sideglance at his restless roommate. He sighed. "He does that every day. He believes he could attract his lost girlfriend that way. Actually, he can play _nice_ melodies as well! But once he's caught up in his frenzy..."

"Huh," Alice laughed. "Doesn't surprise me that much. Seems like everyone in this land gets caught up in some kind of frenzy now and then."

The Mad Hatter smiled knowingly before he had a long and close look at him.

"So you're... new here? Don't you want to introduce yourself, valued guest?"

"If you like. I'm Alice, I'm not a rabbit nor a cat but a human... And I like icicles. They melt when you stab them into someone's chest."

Quickly, the hatter looked to the dozing freak in the basket before he turned to him again.

"Well, well, interesting. Sounds likeable. But if you let me give you some advice..." he said, bent a little forward and began to whisper. "... As long as you're here in our little, humble abode you should be careful using the 'C'-word...!"

"The 'C'-word? 'Cat'?" he asked quietly.

"Yes. _That_ ," the hatter answered clearly. "We're lucky the dormouse didn't hear us. He takes himself for a dog, you know. Dog and mouse... Maybe you can imagine how he reacts to that certain animal with 'C'."

Alice looked past the hatter to the ominous dormouse who was just, totally annoyed, rolling out of his basket, steered well clear of the still flute playing March Hare and then dragged himself to the Mad Hatter, staring at him with a grim face. 

"Has it ever occured to you telling that dude over there to be quiet for god's sake? I can't get a wink of sleep!" he complained with a coarse voice.

"Well... Yes, I thought of that indeed", the hatter said. "But I fear it won't be of any use."

"Then try at least! Talk to him, take that whistling devil's work of his away or give him a crack over the head – but silence him!"

"Alright, if you want," he replied and headed for the March Hare who was completely absorbed in his work. "Oh, by the way – this is Alice. He's a human and he likes icicles."

"Pleased to meet you. I'm gonna hit the hay again," grumbled mousie, brimming over with euphoria, scuffed to the table, collapsed into one of the chairs, pushed away the cups and plates and lay half of his torso down on the table top as if it was the most comfortable roost ever. Meanwhile, the hatter seemed to have a rather one-sided conversation with the March Hare. At least he tugged at his sleeve whereat the other actually interrupted his chaotic flute playing and desperately uttered something that sounded like "Maaaaaaryyyyyy...!!". It looked like a scene that could've happened as well at a funny-farm.

"It's okay," the hatter said gently, incidentally grabbing the instrument which he subtly hid behind his back afterwards. "Just sit with us and relax a little. And you, Alice... Take a seat as well! We don't have guests that often, you know?"

 _Doesn't surprise me_ , he thought but didn't speak it out loud. After all, there was no harm in acting kind and doing something nice now and then. 

And so, a moment after they sat as a party of four, drinking tea and... even more tea, at the large table, kept silent for a while and exchanged some sceptical looks with each other. Apart from Squeakwoof whose eyes were closed most of the time (if he didn't stare dead ahead with an annoyed face because the March Hare made some uncontrolled whimpering noises).

"... Mary..." he sighed over and over to himself. Totally apathetic. As if his mind was in a completely different place. Probably it was inevitable for every person spending time in this land to end like him some day. At least he could imagine that quite well.

"You know you shouldn't say this name so often," the hatter scolded him, still very patient, which caused the hare to observe him with an extremely strange look in his eyes. It looked almost creepy.

"Why shouldn't he say the name?" Alice asked. "Oh, let me guess: Because it starts with an 'M'?"

The March Hare suddenly grinned for unknown reasons in a more than insane way in his direction.  
"It resembles her name, they say... The name of the Queen of Hearts...!" he mumbled while fixing his mad eyes on him. "The queen, yeah... Her lovely, _good-natured_ majesty, the Queen of Hearts...!"

"Yeah, we get it," the hatter intervened, patting friendly on the crazy hare's shoulder. "And because of that it would be wise to be very careful with what you say... and what you don't. Another cup of tea?"

"I don't understand," Alice dug deeper. "It's forbidden to say names with 'M' just because your strange queen's name starts with that letter? What is even her name?"

"Hahahohohehe... Nobody knows. Not even herself... hehe!" the March Hare giggled, suddenly talkative. The hatter nodded confirmingly. 

"The only thing we know is that her name is very similar to the name of... that person our valued comrade here is allegedly missing for ages. To be honest... only a very few of us even know their _own_ name. I can't remember mine for a long time now."

"I could help you along," he had almost answered but rather kept it to himself. Those people weren't what they seemed to be. This was... something different. Something special. Inexplicable.

Alice contemplated his cup for a moment. He couldn't stand tea. Sitting here everyday and drinking masses of this shit... No wonder everyone was so confused in here. 

"Mary... My dear Mary, where are you...?" the March Hare whispered absent-mindedly. Squeakwoof snarled tiredly.

"How many times do I have to explain it? She can't hear you!" the hatter said, obviously for the umpteenth time. "If you ask me, your sweet girlfriend is just one of your fantasies anyway."

"No!!" the hare called out determinedly and poured away a little of his tea on the floor as if he was watering a flower down there. "I know exactly that she exists! Do you think I'm crazy?"

Alice tried to suppress a laughter.

"Of course you're not," the hatter responded. "Surely not. But how do you think it should be possible for a Mary to exist anywhere in here? You know for yourself there aren't any women in wonderland."

Suddenly, Alice didn't feel so much like laughing anymore.

"No women...? Seriously? What stupid kind of world is this?!"

"Oh, that's a good question! No one can really say what wonderland actually is," the hatter explained, smiling. "Maybe the fantasy world of a gay author. Maybe the hallucination of a stoned fan. Or else a parallel universe with endless possibilities. Who knows...?"

"Oh, in that case... All three possibilities sound reasonable," Alice said and wasn't sure if he really meant it. "Still... it all doesn't make much sense to me. There aren't any women here. And what about the Queen of Hearts? Isn't she a woman?"

"You better ask her yourself – if you dare," his host replied with a disturbing wink.

"It's... an eeeverlasting mystery...!" The March Hare added cryptically.

"I get it. You're totally nuts."

"... says a painted guy called Alice," Squeakwoof grumbled, apparently more awake than it looked like.

"No, not nuts. Rather cakes," the hatter commented cheerfully. "But what about you, valued guest? We talked so much about ourselves. Now it's your turn! Where are you from? What brought you here?"

Alice took a deep breath before he described his tragic situation once more. Oddly, he realized he couldn't even remember everything that happened to him for some reason. What had he even been doing before he had come here?

"I... I got here after I've followed the White Rabbit. Then I've talked to some flowers and payed a visit to the rabbit at his house but left him alone after short time 'cause he seemed kinda unsound of mind to me. The next thing I remember is a forest in which I've met- Wait a sec...," he interrupted himself when he recollected the task The Catman had set him. "... I was searching for three persons. You _are_ three persons. The Cheshire Ca-"

"Aaaaah! I've just remembered," the hatter exclaimed all of a sudden with affected effusiveness. "There are still fresh cookies in the kitchen! They should have cooled down by now. Actually, I've made them for myself. Today is my non-birthday, you know! But because I'm such a generous person I offer you to taste one! How lucky for you, valued guest! I'll be right back!"

"Uuhm... okay?"

Uncertain what to make of this situation he looked from the Dormouse to the March Mare who sat alone with him at the table now. Great. A total lunatic and a bore who was either sleeping or bitching about something. The only one semi-normal in this group had just left. Kindly, he came back after short time with an incredibly intense smelling tray full of cookies, seated himself again and, fortunately, released him from the creepy look the March Hare constantly gave him. He knew that look. There were exactly two possibilities what it could mean. Either "I like you! Come a little closer!" or "You look tasty! Come a little closer!". Regarding this fellow he'd rather assume the latter.

"Here I am! Serve yourself!" The hatter said and put the tray in the middle of the table so everyone could reach it. "You too, my dear March Hare?"

"No, thanks... I feel more like... meat..."

"I knew it!" Alice hissed nervously.

"What did you know?"

"Oh... nothing."

"So? Alright," the hatter said with a friendly expression. "Well then, go on with your story! Excuse me for interrupting you so rudely earlier. I think you wanted to tell us something about the Cheshire Carrot?"

A discreet hint of the hatter in the direction of the Dormouse was enough for him to understand what he meant. It really must be hard, living between all those freaks. This was a _farm_ , nothing more.

"Yeah... right. The Cheshire Carrot," Alice continued and took one of the still warm cookies in his hand which he examined from every side before he tasted a bit of it. "... But I don't think you three are the ones I'm searching for. The guys I have to find probably look... different."

 _Strange flavour_ , he thought. _Somehow... bitter._

"I hope you like my cookies? I didn't have any recipe, you know. I prefer baking by improvisation. Oh, say – is it your birthday today?"

"What? Uh, no..."

What the hell did that guy put into that dough?!

"What a pleasant coincidence! So it's your non-birthday, too! My best wishes!"

"I feel... giddy..."  
…

Dark. It was dark and cold. Something was wrong. But what?

_"Aaaliiiceee...!"_

Someone called for him. Loud, very loud. The voice seemed familiar to him. Way too familiar. But that couldn't be...

_"Can you hear me, Alice?"_

The person seemed to apporach him. His voice echoed through the whole room and somehow Alice had a strange kind of feeling he could almost sense his presence – and not far away. He turned around. There he was. Like a pale apparition he smiled at him as if he would've been waiting there for him all the time.

"Vincent... Price?"

The apparition laughed in a sinister way.

_"Yes... that's right. But you can call me 'master'. Master of madness... hahahaha!"_

"Why? What's this supposed to mean...?" He asked hesitantly. "I don't even know where I am?"

_"You really don't remember this room? Think, my boy...!"_

Indeed. He had already been in this room... not long ago. It all had started here.

"I remember. I've been here before I had arrived at wonderland. I've... pushed those levers here!"

 _"That's right!"_ Vincent Price laughed. _"Wonderful, isn't it? The room that has lead you into your doom... Do you want to get back?"_

"Back? I... don't know... Back to what?"

Without causing the slightest noise the apparition stepped towards him. It was kind of an uncomfortable feeling. The clearer the other's presence became the more his surroundings seemed to dull. It seemed to become downright gray. Like stone.

_"Back to what, you ask? Shouldn't the question be: 'How do I get back'?...?"_

Startled, he looked over the shoulder when he felt a sudden draft behind himself, and he almost couldn't believe what he saw.

The mirror-wall... The wall of which door he'd gone through after he had solved the riddle – it was gone! There was nothing, nothing but a gaping abyss. Not even the ground was visible.

 _"The answer is: There is no way back! Neither in one nor in the other direction!"_ the apparition whispered while it came too close to comfort for him and smiled when he, reflexively, made a step backwards, only inches away from the endless depth.

_"Are you scared of me?"_

Alice looked around. The room was nothing more than a colourless scenery. Empty.

 _"But you don't have to be,_ " the ghostly figure said, it's voice becoming so loud that the ground began to shake under them. _"After all I'm here to save you!"_

"No..."

Way too fast for him to really perceive it his counterpart had dematerialized, had just escaped... Like a ghostly veil of mist it had flitted right through him and left him back at the brink before he lost his balance and fell into the frightening dark emptiness.

…

"Everything alright...?"

Alice blinked confusedly when he realized someone was talking to him. The Mad Hatter. It was him who was kneeling on the floor with a worried expression and looked down to him. … Down to him?

"What happened...?" he asked and looked with irritation at the bitten-into cookie lying beside him on the carpet. The hatter giggled awkwardly.

"Well... I could ask you the same! You suddenly climbed up the table, kinda woozy, mumbled something to yourself, began to stagger... and then you just fell down. Bam, on the floor."

"I fell down...?"

"You shouldn't do trust exercises when there's no one standing behind you," the Dormouse mumbled with a suggested grin. The March Hare was kneeling there as well, his eyes fixed on the puddle of tea beside the table, as if he was wondering how it got there.

"Thanks for the advice... I'll keep it in mind," Alice murmured, stood up and adjusted his clothes without showing how much that scenario of a moment ago bothered him. No one of the others had witnessed anything of it as it seemed. But what was that supposed to mean...?

"My goodness!", the hatter called out. "I'm used to people reacting a little strangely to my cookies... But _that_ was special."

Fascinated, he inspected the tray with the peculiar cookies before he finally took one and held it in front of the Dormouse.

"Would you like one?"

"... I hate cookies. You should know that."

"Square. You don't know what you're missing", the hatter replied, indulged in the result of his terrible art of baking himself and pointed in the direction of the kettle-basket in which Squeakwoof had been sleeping before. "If you should get hungry... I've filled up your bowl."

"How kind of you."

Alice looked over to the three freaks who altogether looked like a motley bunch of hippies who just came home from some dubious event. He decided he wouldn't tell them anything about the every bit as dubious vision he just had. Neither them nor anyone else. It was probably better to keep it to himself.

"Uhm... I don't want to interrupt your probably very important conversation," he said, his eyes at the hatter because he more likeable than the other two. "But I think I'd prefer to bow myself off now and leave you alone again. I still have a... task to accomplish."

"Are you sure you already want to go? We didn't celebrate your non-birthday appropriately yet!" the hatter interjected and sounded almost a little disappointed. "I didn't even have a gift for you... Oh, but I'll make up for that! Promise!"

"At least we know what you like," Squeakwoof said dryly. Great. It seemed to be true that one had to be careful here what to say.

"Alright, then... take care," he said, slowly but surely turning towards the exit when he was addressed once more.

"Alice!" the hatter called whose serious expression surprised him a little.

"... Yeah?"

"Be careful. Not everything here is what it seems to be at first look."

For a moment he just stood there silently, then Alice smiled at him.

"I'll take care for myself," he assured him before he turned his back at the three and left the house of the mad tea party with a shady feeling.


	4. Chapter 3 - Knight's Tournament

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alice meets the Black Knight and helps him getting to duel his rival.

Chapter 3 – Knight's tournament 

On his way back to the tree where the Cheshire Cat had explained the three turn-offs to him he noticed something pleasing and something less pleasing:

His surroundings hadn't changed this time – at least he hadn't noticed any changes so that there hadn't been complications getting back to this place. 

Less a reason for joy was the tree itself. It was empty. The Cheshire Cat didn't sit on one of the branches, like he had expected, to give him another advice now that he had inspected one of the turn-offs... and, no matter how long he stood there waiting, it didn't appear.

"Great," he cursed quietly. "Is there anyone here I can rely on?"

Going back to the damn topsy turvy-house wasn't an option. It hadn't really created the impression that there was anything other to find than chaotic flute music, tea and a few maniacs. But where could the three he was searching for be then?

"Really funny. Why do I even have to take care for all this trash? 'The chosen one'... of course..."

"Do you have a problem?"

Surprised by the sudden question, he turned around and almost jumped backwards when he looked the person who had addressed him in the eyes – or at least at the spot where the eyes were covered by the round sunglasses.

 _Why am I even surprised?_ Alice thought, eyeing the other discreetly. _It's just Ozzy Osbourne._

Apart from the black knight's armour he was wearing and the sturdy, also black pig he was riding he looked like always.

"Are you okay, stranger?" Ozzy asked. "You look like you've seen a ghost."

"Maybe I have...," Alice mumbled and thought of the frightening vision that had haunted him at the tea party's home. No, it couldn't have been only a vision. He could _sense_ his presence and he had heard his voice clearly. The voice of the ghost... or whatever he was.

"Hm," the knight went, leaned, from the back of his pig, a little towards him and suddenly made a really stupid face.

"What the... What's that going to be?" Alice asked, devoid of any understanding. The Ozzy-copy smiled happily.

"I cheered you up. And now you owe me one!" he answered as if there wasn't anything weird about it.

"... Cheered me up?"

What on earth had gone wrong with the citizens of this place?!

"Stranger... Would you do me a favour?"

Expectantly, he looked at him and then suddenly slapped his hand against his forehead.

"Excuse my rudeness... I totally forgot to introduce myself! I'm the Black Knight. Known in the whole land for my unmatched martial art and my incomparable charme," he said and pointed at his sidekick. "And this is Black Beauty, my warpig and loyal companion."

The pig oinked confirmingly and stared about through innocent black saucer eyes.

"Uh... uhm... yeah, nice," Alice responded and could barely look away from the 'loyal compantion'. He wasn't sure if it was the animal's name or the word 'warpig' he found more dubious. 

For a while there was silence until Alice rose to speak again, trying hard not to be constantly distracted by the pig that was puffing and scaping at the grass every few seconds. 

"Alright, Black Knight... Because I'm such a good-hearted person I will try to help you if I can. Tell me your request."

The Black Knight sighed heavily before he looked around with a devious grin.

"I'm in search of the White Knight," he said. "That coward just scrammed although we still have an important duel to provide. Not the first time he's shirking his duty. You don't have seen him anywhere, have you?"

"The White Knight...?"

Inevitably, he saw the irritable Jon Bon Jovi-clone in his mind, deeply upset and hastily buzzing off after he had told him the truth about black and white.

"I don't know where he is now. But earlier he was in the White Rabbit's garden and moaned something about 'non-colours' and 'disrespect towards the queen'."

"Really?" Ozzy said. "That sounds like him. That brown-noser fawns upon the Queen of Hearts like a pathetic worm. In fact he's just scared to get punished for every wrong step he takes... What a wimp."

"So? Your Queen of Hearts doesn't seem to be a very gracious person."

"Oh, she's not that terrible," the Black Knight laughed. "That is to say... It depends on her sympathy for you. If she doesn't like you... Well, let's not talk about it. But there's not such a big chance that she doesn't like you a bit. Actually, she sees something amusing in each of her servants. At least for a while."

"... Good to know," Alice answered. "I assume I'll also have the... privilege of meeting her sonner or later, right?"

After all he had heard about her by now he really wondered what kind of person that ominous Queen of Hearts must be. Maybe she wasn't even a human being – didn't seem unreasonable here.

"Yeah, you probably will. I'm surprised you didn't get to meet her as yet. But to be honest, I've never seen you here either," the knight said with a skeptical face and continued before Alice could comment on that. "But whatever. We should try to find the White Knight. I bet he's just hiding somewhere 'cause he fears to lose against me. You know, the loser will be responsable for making her highness happy today."

Struck by an acute bewilderment, Alice stared at him.

"First those animal-roleplays and now _that_... What is this? A brothel?"

"What are you talking about...? A brothel? In wonderland? That would be too good to be true."

"But you just said that the loser-"

"Oh, I think you got something wrong," the Black Knight giggled, apparently amused. "The loser's job is to serve her majesty for the rest of the day and indulge her every whim. Obscenities were never talked about."

"... Then I advise you to express yourself a little clearer," Alice said. "Besides... I don't wanna know how her brutal majesty's wishes look like."

Knighty-Black seemed to have great fun with their conversation. Black Beauty snorted happily.

"Well then," he said, obviously in a good mood. "Would you help me find the little coward? We could split and search for him separately."

"If you like. Maybe we should look near the White Rabbit's hut first," Alice suggested. "But... I'd rather go there in twos. Not 'cause I fear I could get lost or something... Just for fun."

Ozzy seemed to agree, and so it was that they went to bunny's garden together once more. If he'd get to meet him or the White Knight again... possibly one of them could help him regarding the three persons he still had to find. If he could manage to accomplish his task and therefor receive the key to the palace garden, he could finally meet the Queen of Hearts; and she in turn would probably be his key out of this place and all the nonsense going on here. Figuratively.

"There we are,", Knight Osbourne declared and swung himself elegantly off his pig, probably to be able to move along more furtively when he tried to catch his rival up. "I suggest you scan the area to the left of the house first of all while I search on the right. For all I know about that guy he was never very creative with his hiding places. Although wonderland offers enough better boltholes – but no! He always chooses the simplest opportunity to scram from me."

 _Then why don't you search for him by yourself if it's so easy_ , Alice thought but spared himself the comment. Debating with a resident of this psycho-land probably made just as much sense as asking someone in a waldorf school to spell their name.

"Good, I'll look on the left side," he finally said, walked into said direction and added: "Good luck over there... and watch out that no one steals your pig!"

One last time the knight smiled at him before he disappeared on the other side and left him alone.  
Shaking his head, Alice looked at the endless seeming scenery in front of him before he began walking from one possible hideout to the next. By this time he believed he had missed his vocation. He should have been a kindergarten teacher. Then he'd probably do the same things but it would be way less absurd looking for some little kids than dealing with the questionable problems of some knights in the shape of some musicians.

After about two minutes of incredibly funny walking to and fro he was sure that it couldn't get any worse when he noticed an unexpected movement behind a tree, only a few inches from him. Hopefully, he approached the tree of which red and violet-patterned leaves didn't even catch his attention that much anymore, and indeed – the target subject stood there, in all seriousness, apparently believing a friendly "Hey, what a small world...!" would make his situation any less awkward.

"'What a small world'?" Alice repeated sneeringly. "Really? I assume you know quite well why I'm here. And between you and me: Hiding behind a tree isn't very creative, don't you think?"

Knighty-White grunted offendedly.

"Do you mind...? Who do you think you are? And anyway – towards a noble knight you have to be respectful! Especially a low being like you!!"

"Oh yeah? How come the noble knight doesn't have a noble steed? Isn't that kinda part of the whole thing?"

"Well, you know..." he began despondently. "Once I owned a beautiful and graceful steed, almost equivalent to my own beauty... until the Black Knight thought it was funny to play a really grotesque joke on me – and then that swine just devoured my horse like a monster!"

"Ozzy- I mean the Black Knight has devoured your horse? I always thought he'd prefer bats..."

"Not the Black Knight! His damned pig!" Knighty Whitey shouted angrily and then covered his noble mouth with his hand, obviously shocked about his own loud voice.

"Speaking of the Black Knight..." Alice said subtly. "Your graceful knightliness surely hasn't forgotten about the important duel that still has to be done, right?"

The Bon Jovi-copy sighed significantly annoyed, leaned forth briefly behind the tree, probably to investigate the local area after unwelcome observers, and then turned to him again with a serious expression.

"I can't duel. I have a date... with Tommy and Gina."

"Who are Tommy and Gina?"

"... That doesn't matter!" he grumbled. "Oh well, you know what? I've got an idea..."

Interested, Alice watched the other benting over and picking up a quite big, round stone from the grass on which he doodled something indefinable with a red marker – wherever he had gotten it from so suddenly.

About five seconds later he slipped the stone into his hand, with the words "Here! Show this to the Black Knight and tell him I was beheaded by the Queen of Hearts. I may have to look for a longer-acting hideout then but at least I finally won't be bothered anymore by that guy...!"

Alice didn't know if he wanted to laugh or simply be astonished when he took a closer look at the stone. Two adjacent 'X's, probably portraying dead eyes, and underneath a mouth pulled downward showed up on it with a great deal of imagination. Having a long and close look at the White Knight's face, Alice held the painted stone next to it in the air.

"Yeah... The similarity is uncanny."

"Really?" the other exclaimed joyfully. "Hah! I always knew I was suitable for being an artist. Truly, I'm so impressive in every way!"

"Mhhmm... Awesome."

And yet he felt vindicated in his assumption. This really was a kindergarten.

"Come on! What are you waiting for? Go and break the devastating news to the Black Lout! Oh, and... make sure he won't come to this tree!"

 _Do this, do that_ , Alice thought. The more he thought about it the more he came to the conclusion that wonderland was in desperate need of a maid or something.

"Alright," he said patiently. "See you, your narcissisticness!"

Only after short time he had found Knight Osbourne again. Admittedly, he was hard to overlook. He stood directly beside his pig which he had parked in front of the White Rabbit's hut and which apparently was well enough trained to wait there for him. 

"I see, you're still actively searching," he said sarcasticly when he was close enough to talk to him.

"Oh, well... yeah, I've carefully examined this area indeed but couldn't find the guy anywhere. And then I heard Black Beauty calling me. So I had to hurry back here, of course!" Knighty-Black explained while tickling his horse-devouring beast between it's ears. "And how's it going with you? Could you find out something?"

"You bet." Alice held out the artfully painted stone towards him. "This."

"... What is that?" the pig tamer asked with a helpless expression.

"The White Knight's head," he answered shortly.

Knighty-Black looked at him in shock.

"Really?!" he uttered horrifiedly. "Where did you get that from?"

"The White Knight gave it to me."

It was great how his expression changed from complete bewilderment to total confusion in a split second – clearly visible, despite the sunglasses.

"So... When he gave it to you... That means... He's still alive?" he asked hesitantly, and after Alice' affirmative nod suddenly determined: "Then he can just as well duel me! I don't accept bad excuses!"

"Looks like it."

"I hope he's still equal to me without his head... Although I remember his chivalric nut quite differently. Not so grey and... stony," he mumbled quietly.

If they really were serious, those guys were beyond help. But okay. They probably had other talents. Deep inside somewhere.

"WHITE KNIGHT!!!" the Ozzy-copy bellowed all of a sudden with deafening fervor. "I KNOW YOU'RE HEADLESSLY STANDING AROUND SOMEWHERE, SO COME OUT OF YOUR HIDING PLACE AND ATTEND TO YOUR DUTY!!!"

"Holy shit, you couldn't scream any louder, could you...?"

"Hehe, I'm sorry. But after all he has to hear me even without a head," he explained as if it was the most normal thing in the world. "He'll just come here and face his fate... and then I will rout him mercilessly, like always! Hey, don't you want to stay a while and watch our duel? I promise, it's gonna blow your mind!"

"No, thanks. Maybe some other time," he refused politely and turned briefly into the direction he had come from to check if he hadn't lost track. "I've still got a lot to do. … Oh! Before I forget – can you tell me by chance where I could find three black and white painted guys, similar to the Cheshire Cat?"

"The Cheshire Cat? Three guys? Let me think for a moment... No, I fear I don't know anything about that."

"Nothing...? Well, whatever. Can't be helped," he replied, slowly but surely a little frustrated. "Okay then... Have fun with your battle. See you. Maybe."

As soon as possible, Alice left the potential arena before the White Knight, the pig or anyone else could come up with the idea of involving him in their disputes in some way. That surely wasn't what he needed now. But he had to admit, he was kinda interested if the allegedly headless White Knight even had the guts to appear.

When he turned around once more, he noticed to his surprise that his graceful knightliness had indeed arrived on the spot. He watched Ozzy gesture totally confusedly – probably because, against all odds, his opponent wasn't lacking anything –, then he saw Bon Jovi defending himself somehow, and afterwards they stepped towards each other in a respectable manner. From the distance, he couldn't understand a word they were saying. Instead, he saw how both of them began simultaneously to wave about their arms like they were doing some odd kind of dance before each of them stretched out a hand, formed in the shape of a symbol, as it seemed. It took a while until it dawned on him what those two clowns were doing there.

" _That's_ their important, spectacular duel? They play 'Rock-Paper-Scissors'?" he mumbled and watched, half fascinated half confused, how the White Knight suddenly rose his fists up in the air and danced, full of euphoria, around his rival. Looked like he had won. Ozzy seemed to keep calm about his defeat though. He obviously didn't make a great deal out of it. Why should he? The Queen of Hearts apparently got along quite well with him. He didn't want to imagine how good exactly.

Without specifically knowing where to go, Alice went through the bizarrely-quaint landscape, with every step he took a little closer to that oppressive feeling of desperation.

Why was he even here? Which purpose did his presence fulfill between all those lunatics? And how long had he even been stuck in this twisted nuthouse by now?

Now that he thought about it, he couldn't have told for anything. It may have been hours but as well days or weeks which had passed him like unstable clouds of smoke. He had absolutely no idea. The only thing he was sure about was that he would never get out of this again.

He almost laughed out loud about this absurd situation he had maneuvered himself into – if it hadn't been so tragical. And that's why it was only a quiet, desperate giggle which escaped his mouth and let him wonder if he already adjusted to his surroundings and became a lunatic himself. 

"What is so funny, sir?" he heard someone ask who had to be standing directly in front of him, judging by the voice. But there wasn't anyone. Was he going completely out of his mind now?  
There was no person, neither before nor behind him, who could've said anything to him. What in the world was going-

"Oh my f...!"

"Did we scare you?" the two figures who now stood directly opposite him – however this was possible! – asked, grinning, when he just wanted to move along. So he hadn't just imagined it. What a relief.

"Maybe a little," he said emphatically serenely. "Although usually I am the one scaring others."

"Really? You don't say..."

"Wait!" he exclaimed when he realized after a while who or what was even standing before him. "You are..."

No doubt. They were two of the three damn freaks he had to search for! Those outfits and the make up were unmistakeable.

"Yes, that's right," the two said simultaneously with almost unbearable cheerful voices. "We're Fiddledee and Fiddledum, the funny twins! Also known as The Spaceman and The Starchild, hahaha!"

"I can tell you who you are. You're Paul Stanley and Ace Frehley, and besides you are... stupid."

"Ace... That rhymes with... space! Hohoho!" one of them giggled in a more than questionable way. Obviously, they were beyond human help.

"You belong to the Cheshire Cat, don't you?" Alice asked, not really expecting an answer. It was clear enough anyway those two were the right ones. "I've already given up hope to find you... and now you just cross my way. Seems like I've got a little luck after all."

"Luck? Good catchword, sir!" Fiddledum or Fiddledee called out – whoever was who. However, the one with the black star painted over his eye. "Do you know the story of the lonely astronaut who lost all his luck on the circus-planet?"

"No... and I don't _want_ to kn-"

"It goes like this, you knooow," he continued exuberantly without giving him a chance to speak. "Once there was a sad astronaut nobody loved and who was always alone. His name was Major Tom. But one day, Major Tom decided to leave earth and search for love somewhere out there. Right, Fiddledee?"

"Right, Fiddledum!" the other answered excessively good-tempered. "Major Tom embarked on a long journey; he flew into outer space. Everyone told him he had bats in the belfry but he didn't care, like always!"

 _Great rhyme_ , Alice thought. _I'm impressed._

"Oh no!!" The Starchild suddenly called out with an ominous voice. "Even up there no one answered his wishes! He could sense how the atmosphere was purely malicious! An evil, dark circus, way up in the air, was what he found – a living nightmare!"

"Cold-hearted monsters – creatures of the night – were creeping around him, absorbing all light," The Spaceman went on. "They feigned so much love but only brought pain, and with all their hate they washed the poor Major's brain!"

"Some day he returned as somebody else... and in memory lies his forgotten old self," Fiddle-star added, affectedly nodding at his 'brother'.

"Fantastic," Alice said, impalpably sarcastic. "Moving story. Now, could I please-"

"Waaaiiiit! No, no, sir! The story wasn't finished by any means!"

"You should listen till the end, sir! It could be important... for you... and us!"

"I can hardly imagine it could be important for me how some frightening wights absorbed some light at night. All I want to know is how I can manage to get to the Queen of Hearts, dammit!" he said with a slowly rising twinge of impatience. Why the hell was none of the people living here able to give him a clear and simple answer?

"You want to see the Queen of Hearts?" The Spaceman asked as if it was odd in some way. "Then you need our cards, sir!"

"Your cards? I get it... The Cheshire Cat has given me such a strange card, too," he mumbled and pulled the thing on which an ornate 'K' was depicted out of his jacket. "You mean something like this? And what is it good for?"

"You will find out soon enough, chosen one," The Starchild replied, in a suddenly humble way. How could that guy know about that whole 'chosen one'-thing again?

"Uhm... okay. Nice. Then hand it over," Alice said, slightly insecure.

"We will! But first...," the two freaks grinned and nodded at each other conspiratorially, "... you have to catch us!"

Without wasting anymore words, the oh so funny twins had vanished at once. Just like that. Vanished into thin air. They just had been there and now, from one moment to another, they left him behind totally helpless, probably laughing inside because they could play such a witty joke on the chosen one. Really witty, yes.

"... This can't be! I knew from the start there had to be a twist!"

Viligantly, he made a few steps towards the spot where Fiddledum and Fiddledee had just stood, looked to left and to the right and then catched at the air. Nothing.

"Won't quite work out the way you thought it would – 'cause you're underestimating me!" he called out, struck by a sudden ambition. "I don't care if you're invisible... I'll catch you nevertheless!"

Constantly looking out for a movement or another kind of hint, he examined every corner and combed every even so remote spot of wonderland, walked past the singing hippie-flowers once more and then back again, always focused and cautious not to overlook anything. Eventually, after an as yet unsuccessful round of 'fetch' without the slightest clue what to do, he leaned against a leafless tree in the middle of a dark forest, gradually becoming a little frustrated. He needed a moment of rest.

Where could those two be hiding? Or were they near him all the time and watched him while he tried to find them in vain? 

Briefly, he looked around. He had probably overestimated himself. Catching someone who could turn invisible at any time was almost... impossible.

"I swear... If I should ever get you, you can prepare yourself for the worst. Oh, maybe... I could decorate my outfits with your guts," he thought aloud when he realized something he hadn't noticed before, probably because of total overtiredness. 

The tree he was leaning against – it was the tree The Catman had sat on before he had paid a visit to the Mad Hatter and his even madder friends. But something was different. The turn-off he couldn't take as yet because allegedly there was nothing but a dead end – it didn't look like it had the last time he had been here. 

"Interesting," he said to himself while stepping towards the new path. "Seems like I can go in this direction now."

With still sharpened senses he followed the trail which revealed a woodlot that seemed kind of threatening, well vegetated with various strange plants and surely suitable as a location for a scary adventure-movie. There was one thing you could definitely say about wonderland: It would be the perfect tourist attraction for people who love to discover a lot – if only there wasn't the aspect that there was no chance for a return ticket.

"Alice...!" he faintly heard a familiar voice, and just for a very short moment recognized the two he was trying to catch a few inches before him. Unfortunately, they'd disappeared so quickly he'd barely had a chance to get them, even if he had reacted immediately and had run after them as fast as he could.

"Shit! They must be dying of laughter, huh? Jerks...!"

At least he knew now that he was right to be here and hadn't completely lost sight of them... well, or however one could put this situation into words.

Leisurely, he looked closer at his surroundings – after all there was no reason to hurry – and then turned around confusedly when he thought he had heard something that sounded like a rasping breath from afar. Maybe there was another poor creature like him that was just strangling someone of sheer frustration?

Curious where the stifled noises came from, Alice followed the sound until it grew louder. And what he found after he had slogged through the dense grove for quite a while was far from what he had expected. There was no murderer strangling his victim. It wasn't even human, let alone more than one, he found there, crawling through the tall grass.

It was a snake.

**Author's Note:**

> Heyho, this is a fic I already wrote in 2015 (originally in German), and now I decided to translate it into English. :D  
> I hope some of you will enjoy reading this - at least I can say I myself had A LOT of fun with this (and still have). xD  
> Oh, and please note: I don't know why "Movie - Burton" stands behind "Alice in Wonderland"! I didn't do that and just want you to know this has nothing to do with the Tim Burton-movie in specific!


End file.
